Feeling down

It's been a long time since I posted on here. I just wanted to share some thoughts. I love my wife so very much, I am just not sure we will survive my transition. I find myself battling to stay emotionally connected in light of recent events. I wish I could just go away for a while to think things over but I have nowhere to go. I feel trapped and the only way out is destructive to everything that I have built. I don't know what to do.

 Sadness, guilt, shame. These are the feelings that weigh me down right this minute. so much going on in my life. But I know, or at least I think I know that she would not be so violent as to touch me out of anger. But I am wrong, this very sweet woman has a dark side that hurts me. Do I deserve to be hit? Maybe.

More ink

Yesterday I got a new Tattoo, It was a transgender symbol on the back of my neck. Today some truck driver said something about how good it is to see a woman mechanice in the shop.

a year

Its been a year since i last presented as male.  a lot has changed over the last year. I legally changed my name. I changed my drivers license three times, (more on that later). I was outed at work, which led to me not having to worry about how to come out. I started using the VA, which has been really great. 

I have been going through puberty, and for some time i was an emotional little girl, and it drove people nuts. 

Friday 4/26/13

Some days are great, some days not so great. But no longer do the troubles come from inside of me, for I am for once in my life, happy with me. Happy that I can be the woman I always was. No, the troubles come from outside influences. Most people contrary to my initial fear, are understanding in the best way that they know how. but others mind you are full of self loathing hatred for girls like me. Today was a harsh reminder of that.

Today started out innocent enough, with an appointment with my endocrinologist. A bill popped up from last October. And the clerk of course right away seen a problem because they had me listed as male, she said "obviously your not male". I just stared in awe. and then asked my nurse "whats going on".  she said she would look into it. Then the visit with my doctor was normal, until it came to everyone trying to figure out that bill. Was it rejected from my insurance because i was getting a female procedure but listed as male? Plus the question as to why they were still using my old name came up. My doctor said she would make sure they changed my records to female. because legally that what i was now.  although i still haven't saved up the money for my surgery. and without the surgery i cant change my birth certificate. I had changed my state issued id and my name, and been on hrt over a year, living as a female for just as long.  Either way I needed to fix my insurance.

My wife and I met at her work, I had been on her insurance since she started working at the university because it was cheaper. Together we walked over to the hr office at the university and spoke with someone who we thought might help us with the name and gender change on the insurance. But instead the man said he "could never put me on the insurance. Because in order to be put on her insurance we have to be legally married. And same sex marriages are not recognized in the state of Arkansas " Under normal circumstances I would perceive his observation of me being a female flattering, but at this time I had to out myself to him. I told him that we are legally married in the state of Arkansas. and he argued the validity of our marriage. I said no, we are legally married, I was male when we got married. that stopped him in his tracks. he looked dumbfounded and said  "I will have to check with our legal team on this" I told him " you do that!"